To pump or to dump

Just one day stands between me and my son's 1st birthday. As I sit here in the room on the 5th floor of my office building pumping I find I'm asking myself that question again and agin. That same question I've been asking myself for about a month and a half. Should I continue pumping? Or should I give it up? I tell myself I should continue, that it is possibly the one gift that I can ever give him that will ever mean anything. That i am the only one who can ever give him this special gift. Me! The cheeks, the thighs, the rubberbands around the wrists...*I* made that! With my milk!

But then the other side of my brain kicks in and I think...good grief I can't wait to be done pumping! So much effort, dwindling supply, not enough time in the day, he's never LOVED taking a bottle of my milk, he'd prefer the real thing, me! He "Murph's" bottles everyday! It breaks my heart because come ON little dude, mommy worked hard and took time out of her busy day just for you so that I could give you milk! DRINK UP DAMN IT!

And yet...I find myself still conflicted! I want to continue. I don't want to do it anymore. I love it. I hate it. What if he has a milk allergy? What if this is my last baby and we're *gasp* "done"?!?! It's a hassle, the cleaning, the remembering to bing the bottles and the cooler and the ice pack. I didn't pump this long for my daughter, why am I still going now? He likes my milk. He hates the bottle though. Hey, any bit of momma's milk he CAN get is SOMETHING and it's good! But *oy* the schlepping of my pump on days it comes home. But oh the joys of watching someone's face fall when I answer their question at the elevator on my way to pump with "no I'm not going home early, I'm going to pump!" and watching them turn red in the face!!! So. Much. Fun.

See though? So conflicted! What to do?

I think for right now I've convinced myself to at least pump thru next Tuesday when my little guy has his 1 year appt with the doctor. At that point she will probably give the all clear to start giving cow's milk or whatever.

There's no way either him nor I are ready to stop nursing. He still claws for me when I get home and after his bath it's all I can do to get him dried and in his jammies fast so he can nurse. I am not ready to lose our bond yet either. Like I said, what IF this is our last baby? Will I nurse him to college, no absolutely not. But I'll give him as long as he needs the comfort of my arms and I need him in my arms. As the second baby I am way more busy this time around and i don't get to spend very much one on one time with him, so I like the time we bond while nursing. We both love it. It's our time.

He's incredibly cute when he nurses too. He has to have his hands all up in his face and winds up kneading me like a cat! Sure cute, until he pinches my skin. Then? Not so cute.

Regardless, I love what I've given to him this past year. Will I continue to pump? No idea. My guess right now is no. But we will nurse and hopefully my supply won't completely fail. This truly is the best gift I could ever give him. He refuses to say "ma ma" but whatever, he knows where his milk is and when I get home at night and he races his sister to the door to attack me it's all worth it.