Determination

I have been home, out of work for 5 weeks. I've needed this time to gather "me". These last years, I've lost count have been about others. When I became unemployed I need time to rejuvenate, time to collect myself, time to build my confidence back up. Time for me. I've taken that and run with it, almost quite literally.

Almost everyday since then except for random busy days and some weekend days, I've been working out. I've been eating better. I haven't been depriving myself of anything in particular like sugars or carbs, but I've been making better choices and eating smaller portions. The week before I started this endeavor, I ordered all of Bob Harper's workout DVDs. I couldn't choose 1 or 2, so I bought all of them for $5 each. How could I go wrong? So far? He's pushed me, he's kicked my ass, he's motivated me in ways no one else ever could and I am forever grateful.

Today when I stepped on the scale I had achieved my 20 pound weight loss mark. It was a huge amazing feeling. *I* did this! *I* made the choice to make these changes. I've been recording my food intake and calorie burn in a fitness app on my iPhone called "myfitnesspal" app and it also has been a great tool in this journey. It keeps me accountable. I log EVERYTHING. If I eat it, it gets logged. If I exercise, the calories I burned get entered. If I see a weight loss, it gets posted. It knows everything I've done to get this far. Last week it reminded me that I hadn't updated my goals in the past 10 pounds of weight loss, so with the click of a button, it updated my goals for me and voila I had a new target caloric intake for the day.

I look forward to my workouts...mostly. Most days I can't wait to get home from dropping the kids off at school so I can get home and do my workout. Rare occasions, I come home and think I'm revved up, but collapse on the couch, thinking about working out and then about an hour passes and I give myself the proverbial kick in the ass to get up and MOVE. I usually have just wound up zoned out on what was on tv, and actually just spent most of that time sitting there thinking about what I've done to get this far and ask myself if sitting on the couch is really what I should be doing if I want to continue to see results.

I couldn't imagine I could do this at home. I've tried workout DVDs before with little success. It only took a few days before I was pushing my husband's chair out of the way to make more room in our tiny living room to move around. I switch DVDs everyday. Never usually do the same routine in a row. And I even found my Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD and do that every so often. With that one though, the workouts are only 27 minutes long and because I like to make sure I've put in at least an hours worth of workout, I do all three levels of her DVD for an 80 minute workout. That's what I did today. Tonight my ass is killing me...thank you Jillian!

In addition to the DVDs at home, I've been on a few walks with my neighbor, walking about 4 miles at a clip. It was awesome. I didn't realize we'd walked that far until I clocked it in the car later. I've also been changing up my routine by throwing some Zumba into the mix on Thursday nights. I usually stick to my morning routine on Thursdays as well though. It makes me feel extra good after completing a second workout on Thursday nights. I usually sleep the hardest that night. ;o)

I don't remember the last time I was this weight. I know it's before I was married, it may even possibly be in college. I do know though that I've taken out clothes I've had in my rotation for years that have either never fit me or were always just tight and I wore them anyway regardless of the fact that I may have looked like a stuffed sausage. I do know that I'm happy. I feel amazing. I'm working really hard. I'm determined like never before to make these pounds go away. I don't need them nor want them. I won't look back. Once they're gone, they're gone.

My motivation for doing something now is...well, I've waited long enough. There's always an excuse. Well, I'm home, I'm not working and I have no more excuses to make. I can do this. I need to do this. For my children. For my family. For my grandchildren someday. And gosh darn it, more than anyone or anything else FOR ME!!! I've put myself on the back burner for too long and I'm going to say it. I'm doing this for me!!! I want to be happy with me. I want to be healthy. I want to be able to do things I enjoy. I want to have confidence in myself and my body.

I do have some goals. My long term goal is to compete in a triathlon. I'm not talking anytime in the near future, but someday when I'm satisfied with my health and I feel fit enough, I will compete. My short term goal is to take part in the biathlon near our house. I've done the race before and I want to do it again. It's a 3 mile run and a 1/2 mile swim. In the condition I'm in right now, I'm actually in better condition and weigh less than the last time I took part in this race, so I am confident that come the first weekend in August I will be doing this race and will be ready for it. Bring it on.

Another goal is to try some new things. I've considered stealing my husband's kayak from under our house and finding a lake to put it in and going kayaking for the day. The one thing I absolutely want to try is SUP (Stand Up Paddle boarding). I will get there. I'm not quite ready for that endeavor yet, but it's coming and I will try it this summer sometime.

I have so far to go, but I feel so good about how far I've come. I can do this, I know I can. And everyone has been so supportive, it's been wonderful. It's nice to hear when people notice on their own, without having seen a Facebook or Twitter status update of my latest achievement. Someone I haven't seen or heard from and they see the difference in me, not only my weight loss but in me from the inside out. All the little things keep me going, they keep me fighting to do better, to push harder, to make better food choices. It all comes together to give me the determination I need to keep going.

If I had a marching band...

Proof positive I need this upcoming week of home vacation...over lunch today, not sure what it was that caused it...my headache, lack of sleep, blonde moment, or just a complete misfire in my mommy brain. We were talking with my daughter and my niecelet about the instruments at the parade today. My niecelet asked what those big circle things were. First I thought she was talking about the drums. No. Then I said, "oh, syllables!" she nodded yes, while my husband turned to me and said, "did you really just say that?" I was still confused at his questioning. He said, "not syllables, it's cymbals! Do you have vowels and consonants in your marching band too?"

*sigh* thank heaven for vacation!

To pump or to dump

Just one day stands between me and my son's 1st birthday. As I sit here in the room on the 5th floor of my office building pumping I find I'm asking myself that question again and agin. That same question I've been asking myself for about a month and a half. Should I continue pumping? Or should I give it up? I tell myself I should continue, that it is possibly the one gift that I can ever give him that will ever mean anything. That i am the only one who can ever give him this special gift. Me! The cheeks, the thighs, the rubberbands around the wrists...*I* made that! With my milk!

But then the other side of my brain kicks in and I think...good grief I can't wait to be done pumping! So much effort, dwindling supply, not enough time in the day, he's never LOVED taking a bottle of my milk, he'd prefer the real thing, me! He "Murph's" bottles everyday! It breaks my heart because come ON little dude, mommy worked hard and took time out of her busy day just for you so that I could give you milk! DRINK UP DAMN IT!

And yet...I find myself still conflicted! I want to continue. I don't want to do it anymore. I love it. I hate it. What if he has a milk allergy? What if this is my last baby and we're *gasp* "done"?!?! It's a hassle, the cleaning, the remembering to bing the bottles and the cooler and the ice pack. I didn't pump this long for my daughter, why am I still going now? He likes my milk. He hates the bottle though. Hey, any bit of momma's milk he CAN get is SOMETHING and it's good! But *oy* the schlepping of my pump on days it comes home. But oh the joys of watching someone's face fall when I answer their question at the elevator on my way to pump with "no I'm not going home early, I'm going to pump!" and watching them turn red in the face!!! So. Much. Fun.

See though? So conflicted! What to do?

I think for right now I've convinced myself to at least pump thru next Tuesday when my little guy has his 1 year appt with the doctor. At that point she will probably give the all clear to start giving cow's milk or whatever.

There's no way either him nor I are ready to stop nursing. He still claws for me when I get home and after his bath it's all I can do to get him dried and in his jammies fast so he can nurse. I am not ready to lose our bond yet either. Like I said, what IF this is our last baby? Will I nurse him to college, no absolutely not. But I'll give him as long as he needs the comfort of my arms and I need him in my arms. As the second baby I am way more busy this time around and i don't get to spend very much one on one time with him, so I like the time we bond while nursing. We both love it. It's our time.

He's incredibly cute when he nurses too. He has to have his hands all up in his face and winds up kneading me like a cat! Sure cute, until he pinches my skin. Then? Not so cute.

Regardless, I love what I've given to him this past year. Will I continue to pump? No idea. My guess right now is no. But we will nurse and hopefully my supply won't completely fail. This truly is the best gift I could ever give him. He refuses to say "ma ma" but whatever, he knows where his milk is and when I get home at night and he races his sister to the door to attack me it's all worth it.

Five

2 was fun.

3 was terrible.

4 was horrendous.

5 is...well, mommy cries at 5. How can my little baby girl who I gave birth to be FIVE already. And with her turning five, I discovered, up until now? This parenting thing has been a breeze. We go through the motions. We do our thing. Then one day she turns five and she comes home from Pre-K with a packet of "here's what you need to know about kindergarten" papers and your heart stops because this? THIS parenting thing just became very real and in my face.

Who will register her in kindergarten the first week of March? Me and Mr. Volcano. Who will make sure she gets the best education we can give her? Me and Mr. Volcano. Who will help her with her homework? Me and Mr. Volcano. Who will plan family vacations according to the school calendar? Me and Mr. Volcano. Who will juggle the half day kindergarten tango? Me and Mr. Volcano.

I look at my daughter and I am amazed by who she is. Yes she still throws a tantrum here and there'd. Yes she gets timeouts for acting or speaking to us inappropriately. Yes she's still, and will always be my little girl, but she's gotten so big. She insisted in December when I was getting my hair done that she also get a real haircut. That haircut was a turning point. She became a big girl. She grew up with just a couple snips of the scissors. She doesn't have that baby fine wispy ended long hair anymore. It's styled and looks adorable.

She's compassionate. She's loving. She's ridiculously smart. She's confident. She's courageous. She's kind. She's funny. She's the most awesome big sister. She's talented in everything she does, soccer, dancing, singing, and she even whooped her dad's butt in Wii Bowling last night. She memorizes things even hearing or seeing something just once. she is way better at everything than I was when I was a kid. Far cuter too.

Next weekend we're having her birthday party. It's her first "kids" party. The past four years we've had our closest family and friends to a restaurant for a pizza party to celebrate. This year she's her own person. This year she wanted a "friends" party. It will be a gymnastics party and she insisted on it. I thought i would plan her party at a bouncy place. I had everything set and the deposit paid, told her about it and she would've been fine with it, but she expressed that she really wanted a gymnastics party. How could I say no? She's become her own person. She has independent thoughts and feelings. She's simply put...amazing and I love her to pieces.

We talk about how OMG, our baby is five, we're so not ready, but deep down I am. It's been a long...short five years. She needs to spread her wings. I may not be ready. Mr. Volcano may not be ready. But I will tell you this SHE is definitely ready. She can't wait for kindergarten. I am so proud of her. So proud she's our daughter. So proud of who she is and who she's becoming. While she may give me and Mr. Volcano a hard time, she's wonderful with other people and that is what matters to me right now. She is going to fly, I can feel it and I couldn't be happier for her. Thank you CJ, for being mommys big girl. Always remember the song (Rascal Flatts, "My Wish") I will always dedicate to you every time I hear it. I love you sweet girl.

Now go be FIVE. Mommy will always be here and can't wait to watch you fly.

P.S. It's a good thing her baby brother came along so we can continue the family/friends parties for his birthdays the next couple years.

The black speckled bright pink frog

The week before Christmas my daughter's teacher did a "Christmas Around the World" theme all week. Each day they learned about another country and how they celebrate Christmas and their traditions. One of the days they made English Christmas Crackers like this one:

According to Wikipedia a Christmas Cracker "consists of a cardboard tube wrapped in a brightly decorated twist of paper, making it resemble an oversized sweet-wrapper. The cracker is pulled by two people, and, much in the manner of a wishbone, the cracker splits unevenly." There is usually a little gift in the cracker. Again, according to Wikipedia, "Typically these contents are a coloured paper hat or crown; a small toy, small plastic model or other trinket and a motto, a joke, a riddle or piece of trivia on a small strip of paper."




The Christmas Crackers my daughter's class made were made of toilet paper rolls and tissue paper. Inside her Cracker was a black speckled bright pink frog exactly. like. this:

It's one of those sticky rubbery quarter size toys that if you throw it against a wall it will stick and kind of walk down by flipping up and over itself. She was excited about it. She played with it for the week leading up to Christmas and it made it's way into our bathtub at some point and then it was in a bedroom on the floor, on the dining room table and on the counter in the kitchen. This frog had quite the adventure.

On Christmas Day we did presents at our house just the four of us and then we got ready to go to my mom's. My husband was busy with one thing or another and the baby wanted no part of being put in his crib while I showered so I just took him in the shower with me while my daughter watched tv. He and I got showered up and to finish I put him down in the basin of the tub with some bath toys so I could wash my hair. We got out, my husband showered, we all got ready and we left for grandma's.

Christmas night my when we got home my daughter asked if she and her brother could take a bath. I agreed so upstairs we went. As I was getting the baby undressed, my daughter asked where her frog had gotten to. I hadn't seen it but her dad was the last to shower that morning so maybe when he took the toys out that her brother had been playing with, perhaps he saw it. When we asked my husband he just said that whatever was in the tub he moved into the toy bin. When we looked in the toy bin the frog was nowhere to be found. I brushed it off and told my daughter it wasn't a big deal, play with something else and she did. No big whoop.

The next morning we all got up and went downstairs still in our jammies. About mid morning the baby did that thing where he grunts and gets all red in the face and then my husband and I draw straws to see who gets to where the biohazard suit and change the baby. This time I drew the short straw. I grabbed the baby before he could squeeze the poop up the back of his diaper and cause a blowout, grabbed a diaper and wipes and laid him in the middle of the living room floor.

Something you should know about my son is he LOVES to eat paper. He is a human paper shredder. You leave the smallest piece of paper around, he'll find it and devour it. Well, when I opened his diaper, I noticed a little bit of a paw type pattern of black dots and wondered what direction booklet from Christmas morning he could have possibly gnawed on that he'd have a paw print in his diaper? No time to investigate at that moment with the wiggly baby who can't sit still for a 5 second diaper change, so I put my investigation on the back burner until his diaper was changed and he was redressed.

Once he was on his way I opened the diaper back up to perform a more thorough investigation with a wipe firmly placed as a barrier over my finger tip. I poke at the paw print. It bounced back at me. "Huh"...I thought, "that's weird! Why would a piece of paper bounce back when I poke it?" So I poked it again, and again it bounced back. I realized this was not going to be an easy investigation. At this point I started digging a bit more at the poop surrounding the paw print. A few more pokes and a little prying and "BOING!" all of a sudden this little frog leg sprung out at me from one side. I went ghostly pale, sat bolt straight up right there on the floor and mouthed the words "OH. MY. GOD." My husband was sitting on the couch right in front of me while my daughter sat on the chair right next to me and the baby happily crawled away. My husband looked at me and said "What?" I couldn't say it out loud so I mouthed "It's. The. FROG!" He shook his head and exclaimed "No way!" and I insisted it was. It was no longer bright pink as I think being put through the gastric juice wringer had stripped all color away. What I thought I had identified as a paw print was actually the black speckles which I guess endured the gastric juices.

Go ahead...

I'll let you finish laughing your fool head off and finish my story.

Needless to say we were stunned. This kid is a hoover! He eats anything and everything he can shove in his pie hole, edible or not. It's both funny and scary this happened. Funny for obvious reasons, mainly how often can you say you found a black speckled bright pink frog in your baby's poo? Scary because HOLY CRAP, he ate that thing WHOLE (again, about the size of a quarter) and we had NO IDEA! Had he choked it would've been one thing, but it went down easy, what if it had gotten lodged in his body somewhere? We would've had no clue anything was wrong and never would've known to look inside for something specific like a black speckled bright pink frog. I had no idea that it was in the bathtub the morning before when he and I showered. I didn't see him put it in his mouth. He never so much as coughed trying to get it down.

After the whole ordeal was over I couldn't help but think back to Christmas day. I recalled thinking about mid-day that he hadn't pooped and he was usually like clockwork. He poops at almost the same time every day just like his daddy. I knew it was odd but who knows, all the excitement of the day maybe he was holding out. I didn't really give it too much thought but the thought that it was strange he hadn't pooped was there for sure. Also? THANK GOD it came out on it's own! THANK GOD it wasn't a bigger frog! Amazing. I am simply amazed by the whole event. We'll be watching him like a hawk. He'll be the kid who eats pennies and sticks green peas up his nose, I just know it. Lord help us.

Busy

I've been a little busy. I don't remember when I locked my blog down to deter certain visitors but it's been a while. All I really needed to do was go through my posts and move any pictures of my kids and then I could open it up again. I just did that. Just now. In reality there was only one pic posted worth removing to protect them. Its removed and now I've unlocked my blog.

I need this outlet. I want this outlet. I'm not letting certain people scare me off from using this as my outlet. I just won't post pics, that's all. If you want to know me and see pics, get to know me here and maybe we can become friends on FB after a year or two. Until then, I'll be back up and posting here. I have a lot to say. My mind has been racing FOR MONTHS and I'm ready to get back down to erupting business.