Just a little random act of kindness can go a long way...

I saw something on Pinterest the other day that sparked my interest, but this month I just don't have the bandwidth to create the project and really do it up the way this was done. It was a Random Act of Kindness calendar for the month of December (could be any month I guess though). It was a large piece of felt and each day had a pocket and in the pocket was a little slip of paper with a random act on it that was your task to fulfill for that day. I don't think I could pin point a random act like that, it kind of takes the "random" out of it. The thing about it being a "random" act of kindness is it should really be spur of the moment, fly by the seat of your pants type deal. But I liked the idea. Maybe (if I had unlimited supply of time) I'd make the felt calendar but in each pocket I would write on a slip of paper what my random act was that I accomplished for the day instead of trying to predetermine my random actness!

So today is the first day of December. I really didn't set out to fulfill a random act a day for the month but I stumbled upon one this morning and it made my heart feel light. It made me feel really good. And I'm the goofball who does something unprompted and nice for someone else and then get a little misty eyed and nostril flarey that I just made someone else feel good. I know! Total dork. I can't commit to doing this calendar thing for the month, or writing on a piece of paper or anything like that. Life just doesn't have enough time for me right now and I need to focus on important things and making a calendar isn't one of them, maybe when the kids are off at college.

Mornings I am in full on "go" mode. I've recently tried to lift my head walking in and out of school so I say hi more often to other parents and kids. No need to walk with blinders on, everyone deserves a little hello, it doesn't cost anything and it doesn't take much effort anyway. So this morning I dropped the kids off at school, I got them settled and went about my day walking back to my car. The way the parking lot is set up, you park with your front bumper along the sidewalk that takes you to the school. As I was walking alllllllll the way to the very end of the sidewalk to my very far away car, I noticed a little (3 year old) boy in front of a minivan who was kind of doing that spinning thing you do when you're trying to put your jacket on and can't quite reach the other sleeve. Except in his case, he wasn't spinning around chasing his other sleeve, he was chasing his book bag shoulder strap. The problem is he was never going to get it. He had the left shoulder strap on the right shoulder so it really wasn't going to work for him. The dad was getting the baby out of the minivan so he wasn't around to help. I stopped right next to the little boy and said, "Here, let me help!" As I grabbed his bag he thought it would be as easy as me flipping the other strap over his should so he started to twirl again. I said, "Oh, nope, let's take it off and start over, ok?" So he did. He unraveled himself from the bag and I held the first strap wide open for him to put his arm through, then held the other one. I said, "There ya go", and he replied, "Thank you!" And then my heart melted because he even used his good manners to boot.

All the while I honestly don't think the dad knew at all what transpired which is ok with me. I'm happy just knowing I helped that little boy into his book bag and it's an extra bonus that he said thank you too! Totally made this completely unexpected random act of kindness exponentially worth while. I do think I might say something to his dad though because every parent should hear when their child does something good and using manners at 3 years old, to a total stranger is big and he deserves praise from his parents for it. I know I would want to know if my kids were kind or did something good, especially using manners.

I like this random act of kindness thing. There's always a little something I can do (everyone can do) to make someone's day a little brighter.

Hide and go figure out what I hid…

(Alternatel title: "My family is out to get me..."

My husband has a way of doing things around the house and he doesn't tell me. He waits. He sits back, relaxes and waits for me to eventually figure out what home improvement project he did. It drives me nuts. He is not me. He doesn't know all the things weighing on my mind. I don't have the time for guessing games. Tell me what you did so I can give you the proper praise and thanks so that we all can move on. Instead he likes to let me be completely oblivious until 3 months …6 months …a year later until I figure it out. Some things I would never notice to be honest.

So that's my husband.

And really? You don't want kudos for doing something? Fine dude.

The problem? I think it's genetic.

My 4 year old has been hiding things on me lately. She gets the talent from her father. This past weekend she took my phone while I was doing something out of the room and she hid it. We had to get out of the house to go somewhere and I rushed around looking for it in one of the many places I could've placed it. Except this isn't like playing a game of hide and seek with a 4 year old where she hides and giggles, giving up where she is. She's not hiding these things and then standing in front of me giggling which would give me any clue she's done something or been up to something naughty. She's hiding them and going on with her business. After reaching the end of my rope and asking her if she had seen it, she mosey'd over to daddy's chair slipped in behind it and pulled out my phone from the floor underneath it.

This morning I was waiting for everyone to wake up and get ready so I went downstairs to get our bags ready to go. My husband has been off the last couple days so he was helping them both get ready. I came back upstairs at one point to move the process along. I remembered I wanted my Pandora bracelet. I ALWAYS take it off before the kid's bath time and I put it on the counter top next to the sink. ALWAYS! This morning I went in the bathroom to get it and put it on and it wasn't there. I walked out and told my husband I couldn't find it. He said he hadn't seen it and in the same breathe he turned to our darling daughter and asked her if she knew where it was. She rolled her eyes, turned on her heal, went to the end of my bed, crawled under my bed and pulled out my Pandora bracelet. Yes, she really did.

I want to be mad because seriously she's going to hide something thinking it's funny, I won't know to ask about it because I won't be missing it in that particular moment and it will never be found again. But at the same time, it's kind of funny. She hadn't let on in any way that she had hid something. I don't even know WHEN she hid my bracelet. It could've been last night for all I know. She was completely straight faced. A normal 4 year old would be giggling uncontrollably about doing something giving them away immediately. SHE? Well, she has her dad's genes. She does something, walks away, sits there, calm and cool as a cucumber and watches it unfold, just like daddy.

They're out to get me and my sleep deprived mommy brain. *sigh*

Hi ho...hi ho, it's off the apple orchard we go...or maybe not!

A few weeks ago my daughter brought home a permission slip to go to the apple orchard to go apple picking, pumpkin picking, do hayrides and have donuts and cider with her class at school. At the bottom of the permission slip it gave parents the option to be chaperones. I thought it sounded like a great idea, but I didn't want to step on my daughter's toes and independence and thought she wouldn't want me to come. A few days later she asked me if I was going to come with her when her class goes to the apple orchard. I told her I wanted to but I had to see if I could get out of work. Work is unpredictable and it's really a game time decision when it comes to this kind of stuff. As luck would have it, I wasn't all that busy this week and on Monday when I dropped off the kids I asked her teacher if any other parents were going. She said only one and also told me that all the kids actually love when the parents come, whether it's their parent or not.

Yesterday I requested today off to go apple picking. My boss approved it.

Last night I stayed at work until 7 o'clock tying up loose ends before being out for today.

This morning despite the baby waking up in the middle of the night to nurse, I put him back down in his crib and both kids slept in until 8. I had nowhere to be, so why not? The kids didn't HAVE to get to school exactly at 8 today. I didn't HAVE to get to work. So, I let them sleep…until I basically had to wake them up to get out. Hmmm…I wonder how long they WOULD'VE slept?

Side note: The baby peed on the potty this morning.

I got all of us ready. I forewent a shower since I'd be traipsing thru an apple orchard and then probably cleaning my house when we got back since I'd taken the whole day off. I threw on jeans and a sweatshirt and off we went.

When we got to school we walked in, my girl went to her classroom, I started toward the baby's room but turned on my heal to confirm the bus was leaving at 9:30. The owner said, "SHARP!" I said, "Ok, ok no problem, I just need to go nurse the baby and I'll be back." She replied back, "9:30 SHARP! …TOMORROW!!!"

Yup, so, all for not. My blonde headed mommy brain really did it this time. I got the days screwed up. Probably subconsciously willing it to be Thursday, even though I knew very well it was Wednesday and truly thought the apple picking trip was today not tomorrow. I guess today was just the rehearsal for tomorrow.

I had to gather myself, get out of the school ASAP, get back home, get changed into work clothes, get my pump which I'd brought home last night so I could pump this afternoon, and get to work ASAP! Ugh…just UGH!

Shoot, I MUST remember to get some fruits and veggies on my way home to make baby food for the baby. I left the house this morning having packed the last of his food thinking "it's fine, I could just get some fruits and veggies at the apple orchard today" …I guess that won't be happening. *sigh*

I remember...

...the beautiful crystal clear September day.

...getting to work early to conduct an interview.

...my coworker coming in saying she thought something was happening downtown.

...my initial reaction to keep her calm and try not to cause panic.

...the additional reports from coworkers that a small plane hit one of the Twin Towers.

...the guy I was interviewing asking to be excused because his girlfriend worked down there and he wanted to find her.

...rushing to the southern facing window in my office building on 17th Street between 7th & 8th Aves. and seeing the most awful sight my eyes had ever fell upon.

...watching in horror as things flew from the tower.

...watching the second plane bank a hard turn and fly straight into the second tower.

...witnessing the first tower topple like a house of cards.

...the billow of black smoke that grew and spread, trailing off over the skyline.

...the fear of the unknowing what was happening.

...the thought of getting somewhere safe.

...walking thru city streets, the look of terror on people's faces, dust settled over their bodies and people walking uptown while buses carrying fire fighters and emergency vehicles screamed past heading toward the destruction.

...feeling scared and frightened at what was going on around me, tears streaming down my face thinking about being so close to it.

...people on the street just giving away bottles of water to people walking uptown as just a small gesture of good will toward man.

...feeling the tightness of New Yorkers coming together in a time if distress and helping complete strangers make their way home.

...finally feeling like I was relieved and a little bit more safe when I met up with my father-in-law and brother-in-law at their office uptown and was in a friend's work van heading home.

...using my Nextel Direct Connect to alert friends and family I was ok and unharmed.

...ripping my linen pants in the work van I was in and thinking, it just doesn't matter, I just want to be home.

...finally after 11 hours of trying to get out of the city, arriving at my husband's parents apartment and running into his arms.

...finally watching the continuous coverage in the confines of my husband's room and seeing exactly what was going on.

...laying there, eyes unable to close, mind unable to shut down, still shaking in fear.

...being sleepless that first night.

...returning to work in the days following, emerging from the subway and noticing an eery feeling hang in the air.
8
...going to Bear Mountain the following weekend and seeing the rising smoke from all those miles away.

...and I will never forget.

To those who lost their lives 10 years ago and those who risk their lives for us everyday...I remember and pray for you. God Bless You.

Strategic Logistics Manager

This is going to be a new job title I'm going to create in Fire Departments. I am going to become one of these people. (Thanks to my dad.)

After Hurricane Irene blew through and wreaked havoc in the surrounding areas including my crawl space under our house, firstly I'm thankful that's all the damage we had. A quick call to the insurance company and our oil company and we have a new motor in our only 4 year old oil burner and we're good.

My commute to work has been interesting. One particular area in Bedford, you know that town that all the famous people live? It's been a disaster area. The main road into/out of town has had one lane blocked by a downed tree and wires yesterday morning, last night and this morning. Yesterday morning I felt good about stopping to let the people coming the opposite direction who couldn't drive on their side of the road. I felt like it was my little kind gesture, though I think I pissed off the guy eager to get to work who was behind me.

As of tonight I turned onto this road knowing that debris was only a half mile down and traffic was stopped. I knew instantly they were working on clearing it away. There was a Bedford Volunteer Fire Department fire truck blocking the road and diverting traffic down the perpendicular road. This road they diverted traffic down? It was long. And basically? It leads to nowhere. There are just a whole bunch of dead ends and no outlets along it. Here's the thing though, why couldn't the fire truck be further down the road at the road I turned from? There were no other roads between that road and the debris, it was pointless for all these cars to drive all the way to the debris in the first place. Had I known the work was going on I would've made a right and found my way home that way instead.

I propose that these volunteer fire departments find someone in their town, who is not a teen age boy wanting to give his red pickup truck a car wash every day. Someone who knows the town. Someone who realizes that closing down a road in one spot is more effective than closing it down in say the middle of nowhere where a person would have to back track MILES to get back to going where they need to go. It took me an extra 45 minutes to get home tonight because they didn't have enough foresight to close off the road at a main intersection.

I know, I'm totally complaining while people have real problems but when there's a baby home who wants to eat (because have you seen how skinny he is these days?) and you just, for the love of God had the worst day and you really just need to spend time with people that love you, I deserve to be upset when people block the road somewhere they shouldn't. Though I have to say, driving roads I don't normally drive made me see damage I wouldn't have seen otherwise. It's crazy.

Anyway, I'm applying for the job of Strategic Logistics Manager of any fire department who would like happy citizens.

Me and my girl, two peas in a pod!

When I was a kid my mom always had a hard time getting me out of our town pool. I loved that place. I loved the pool. I loved playing in the water. I loved playing sharks and minnows in the deep end. I have always been a water baby. It takes a lot for me to not want or need to go in the water if an opportunity presents itself. For instance, I refuse to get in a bathing suit and go in a pool if I'm with coworkers, but that's about as far as my limits go.

I always loved playing with my friends in the pool. I can remember playing with my friend in the pool for hours on end. We would come up with new games every time. One day we spent hours intertwining our legs together, going under water and pretending we were on a see saw bobbing up and down each catching a little more breathe each time it was our up portion of the see saw motion, flapping our arms to either push ourselves up or back down to the bottom of the pool while the other caught her breathe. It sounds stupid and silly but it was so much fun.

This summer my 4 year old daughter has made amazing strides in the pool. It began during our vacation in April when she began jumping in the water without us having to catch her. And then she figured out how to float on her back. She was so excited for her accomplishments (and we were excited for her) that she couldn't wait to show grandma. We always go to grandma's pool during the summer so when she thinks pool, she thinks grandma. We texted grandma from vacation with video of her jumping in the pool. She was excited, did I mention that?

When grandma's pool opened this season, it's been one thing after the next, stride after stride. I'm so proud of her. She goes under water completely. She does somersaults. She swims from one side of the pool to the other. She's worn flippers and a snorkel (needs a little more practice with the snorkel). She does cannon balls. And most recently she's ventured into the deep end and is jumping and DIVING in. Yes, diving.

She and I have had the best time these last few weeks playing in the water together. We do somersaults. We go under water and wave to each other. We jump in the water over and over again at the same time. She swims to me and then swims back. We've had the best time playing in the pool. Every time I stop to think about playing in the pool with her, I feel awesome. I feel like my whole life has led up to this, like my life was waiting for my daughter and I to play in the pool. Sure I had friends to play in the pool with, but my daughter is my daughter. My daughter doesn't like getting out of the pool. She doesn't mind her lips turning purple. She just loves playing in the pool and so do I. It's like we were made for each other, two peas in a pod. I have so much fun playing with her and I'm so lucky she loves the water as much as I do. Last weekend, my mom had to drag me and my daughter out of the pool by our ears. In typical fashion, my mom told me it was time to go, I stomped my feet and asked for 5 more minutes. :)

Snipping snippets

I am very lucky to have my friend who is a hair dresser, come over to my house to do my hair. Or am I? Lucky, that is. I don't know, last night would make one wonder.

Sue came over last night, my house a complete wreck and in upheaval because of our washer/dryer crapping out this past weekend. When I got home my husband was making preparations for the delivery of the new washer/dryer. The kids were buzzing. While I stayed home to feed the baby and get ready for Sue to come over, my husband ran out with the 4 YO to grab a pizza.

Sue arrived and got down to the business of my roots and split ends. Soon after my husband and daughter arrived back home. When my daughter saw Sue doing my hair, she got so excited and asked her to cut her hair too. Except when we asked her how short she wanted it cut, she grabbed the back of her head, hand close to the base of the clump of hair she had clenched, as if she was grabbing a cat by the scruff of it's neck. Her point? She wants it super short.

I got my hi-lites. The baby nursed to sleep and I was holding him. While my hi-lites set, Sue trimmed my daughter's hair which has so much chlorine damage from this summer, it's sad. Her beautiful blonde locks, turning blonder and blonder and dryer. On one hand, I'd love to do a short cut for her hair, but it makes me sad to think about cutting it off. My husband was shuffling around and at one point muttered, "don't cut her hair short". Glad he spoke up. Also even more torn. When sue was done trimming about 2 - 3 inches off and my daughter saw herself in the mirror, she got very upset and insisted Sue cut her hair short.

Sue by then was back to working on me. I had rinsed out and washed my hair. The baby had since woken up and sat in his bouncy seat for just as long as he could stand it and I was holding him. My husband was still futzing with the washer/dryer. He was getting it out of the house, so we didn't have to deal with the delivery guys doing it and perhaps putting holes in walls, etc. While I definitely appreciated his efforts, I could've thought of a better time for him to do this task. I don't usually do many things for myself. It had been 3 months since my last hair appointment. I just wanted this one hour of time without wrestling kids.

It was a terrible scenario for me. I had my husband doing his own thing, someone with a pair of scissors over my head trying to make something of my mop top, a 4 year old daughter who was having a tantrum on the kitchen floor in a pile of fresh cut hair because she wanted more hair cut and a baby going through the witching hour in my arms and nowhere to go. Nothing I did made him happy. Oh and I was wearing the hair cutting smock which was making me sweat like a pig as I wrestled the baby and the 4 year old as she threw herself at me every so often. It was the perfect storm and I was the beaten and battered ship.

I love Sue and she did a great job on my hair I'm sure, but it's not what I wanted because it was all we both could do to get through it. I wanted something different and instead she just trimmed in up. I guess I know for next time, make sure there is no one home. Send them all out to the circus, because that's exactly what last night was.

This morning my girl woke up, walked in my room and declared, "mommy, I like my hair cut now." I told her I was glad. She went to the bathroom, came out a few minutes later and declared, "I. Don't. Like. My. Hair." I threw my hands up. I give up. I had no idea what to do with her. What is it that she wants? I asked her a barrage of questions. What do you want it to look like? Why don't you and I look for pictures in magazines for what you are thinking you want to do? How short do you want it? I finally asked the right question. "Is there someone you've seen or know who has the hair cut you have in mind?" she replied, "Yes!" FINALLY, we might be getting somewhere. I asked who. She said her Auntie Lyndsay.

It was good to finally know where her head was, but now what do I do? Now that I know what she wants, and I love Lyndsay's hair, but I can't part with my baby's beautiful blonde locks just yet I don't think. How do I know when the time is right? I remember my mom making me cut my hair when I was little and I hated it. I know it's different because she actually wants it cut, but does she really know that it doesn't just magically grow back? Does she realize it's taken about 6 months for it too grow out from the last time it was trimmed up 2 - 3 inches?

All you ladies out there, when did you get your first big haircut? Did you want it cut? Or did your mom make you do it? Do you remember regretting having it cut? Or did you like it? If you have a daughter, how did you decide to do a real cut and not just a trim? I'm so torn. She won't let it go. She wants her hair cut.

P.S. I think if my husband wasn't around last night and said don't cut it, I probably would've had Sue cut it how my daughter wanted it just to shut her up. I also wanted my husband to know I was listening to him and his opinion because in 2, 3, 4 years from now...if he thinks he's going to be allowed to shave off my son's hair like he's in the military, he's got another thing coming. I do not like the shaved head look at all and I refuse to let my husband do that to my son.

The things I miss...

(Removed picture)

Sometimes I think I'm better off not asking my husband what he's doing with the kids in the afternoon when he picks them up. And to the same note, I need to stop asking for pictures of the kids. I find, as if I didn't miss them enough already, my heart aches for them even more. I love my kids and I just want to be at the park playing with them.

Blowing "blueberries"

Kids say the darndest things for sure. Sometimes I wish I had the presence of mind to pull out my iPhone and record what my 4YO says on a daily basis.

Yesterday we were getting ready to go out and I had the baby undressed on the bed. I blew a raspberry on his tummy. My 4YO loves when I blow raspberries on her tummy. She wanted to join in the fun with her brother. She asked, "Mommy, can I blow blueberries on brother's tummy too?"

I nearly fell off the bed from laughter. She cracks me up. What will she say next? I really should just keep my iPhone recorder rolling.

Boys...and so it begins

This past Saturday I took my daughter to a birthday party at a gymnastics place. She LOVED it. She was even more thrilled when her "boyfriend" arrived a few minutes late. This is the "boyfriend" she says she's going to "marry". *sigh*

 

They had the gymanstics portion of the party and then they all had pizza and cake. My daughter sat across the table from her boyfriend. There was a little girl sitting next to her boyfriend who was maybe a year and a half old. When my daughter noticed she said, "ETHAN, WHY are you talking to HER?!?!?!"

 

Poor Ethan.

 

I'm in trouble.

The one where the punishment is no tv...her choice

My daughter struggled with her baby brother coming home and actually becoming part of the family. She never said she wanted him to go, I think she just wasn't sure what to do now that the attention wasn't 24/7 focused on her anymore. So she started throwing tantrums, acting out, having so called "accidents" in her underwear that weren't accidents at all, but more intentional for attention and generally being an unruly 4 year old. I never expected her to react this way. She's 4. I thought she would be old enough to accept him. She LOVES him, don't get me wrong, she just didn't know what to do with herself after she realized she wasn't the only one occupying the center of mommy and daddy's world any longer. Now she had to share mommy and daddy.

We worked thru a lot of things in the past few months. Bedtime routine was buttoned up and she stopped throwing out every excuse in the book in order to delay bedtime and get under our skin in the process. She stopped having "accidents" on purpose. Tantrums were fewer and far between. We've been a happier home. I attributed the turnaround in her behavior to her brother being moved in to sleep in their room. She was lonely in there by herself in the first couple months after he came home. She saw that brother was sleeping in mommy and daddy's room and she was all by herself in their room. Where's the fun in that?

Last week I went to empty the little trash can in the bathroom and take the garbage out. The trash bin was heavy. There were diapers in it, but they wouldn't have been that heavy. The bottom after emptying out the container still had a couple stray items stuck to the bottom of it. They had a light yellowish hue. Instantly I knew what it was. So I confronted my daughter. I asked her if she peed in the trash bin in the bathroom. She replied "no". I asked her again. And again. And over again. It wasn't until I told her "You are not going to be in trouble, but you need to tell me the truth, did you pee in the trash bin?" She finally relented and told the truth, "yes". I told her thank you for telling the truth, told her it was unacceptable to do such a thing and walked away. Done. Afterall, I promised she wouldn't be in trouble. Meanwhile, I'm reeling wondering why in the hell she peed on this trash bin. What in her mind makes her want to do something like this? I let it drop. What else could I do?

This morning I was getting everyone out of the house including my niece who I was transferring back to my sister. On one of my trips over to the front door I opened the door and put my key in the lock, just one less thing I would have to do when it was time to go. When I started making noise that it was time to go, my daughter bee lined for the front door and waited for us by sitting on the bottom front step. When it was finally walk out the door time, I was doing the juggling act of carrying 5 bags and a baby and getting my niece out the door too. She went down the stairs and when she got to the bottom and walked away I noticed a round wet spot on the brick walkway. It hadn't rained since last night and the rest of the walkway was dry. Not really thinking THAT much of it, I nonchalantly asked my daughter what it was, knowing she had been sitting right there and would know. She quickly replied with a sheepish look on her face "I peed". I just near lost it. I continued to the car, put the baby in his seat, asked my niece to stay in the car with him and took my daughter back in the house to get changed.

Now, not only had she peed somewhere OTHER THAN A TOILET, she messed with the flow of our morning. We would've been on time. She specifically pulled out this outfit she wanted to wear with Hello Kitty on it. She now couldn't wear that. When we finally got back in the car the baby was screaming. I made sure she understood why he was upset. Maybe that's what she wanted. Maybe she's looking for ways to take the attention off of her brother. I don't know. I just don't know what to do anymore. She had a choice, she was going to be punished. No more Mr. nice guy. There were going to be consequences.

Her first option: When we get to school I ask her teacher if children who don't use the potty are allowed in her Pre-K room this year? I wouldn't let on what actually happened, it would just be a general question.

Her second option: She goes without tv for the entire day today.

She chose no tv.

Now, when I texted my husband to tell him about all this because HE would have to be the one to enforce the "no tv" rule, he replied "don't you think no tv is a little harsh?" If I could've reached through my iPhone and pinch him, I would've. No…no, I don't think it's harsh. He has no idea what I go through to get 2 kids out of the house in addition to myself in the morning. No idea what a juggling act it is to keep the baby happy long enough to get our act together and the 4 year old away from her brother so I know he's safe and she's not feeding him a penny or something. On any given day I have to get us dressed, get our bags together, get my bottles together for pumping, make sure she has a bathing suit and towel because God forbid she can't run through the sprinkler at camp, get the baby's bottles in his bag, let the dog out, brush our teeth, let the dog in, get my lunch together, and the list goes on and on and on. He doesn't get it. It's not only about the fact she peed where she absolutely should NOT have, she made our morning even more difficult than it already is.

I really have high hopes for "5" because "3" and "4" have been greatly challenging. Six more month to "5" but I'm clinging for dear life to the hope it gets better and these antics stop. It is a really good thing she's so darn cute and I love her so much. I'm in denial she will ever be a teenager because THAT is whole world.

Monitoring

The other night I thought I had turned on the baby/video monitor only to realize upon waking up at 6 a.m. that the battery was dead when I tried turning it on. I was elated and guilty all in the same breathe. I had basically gotten a full night sleep AND cut myself off from the baby had he woken up in the middle of the night. With the white noise of the air conditioner in my bedroom, there's no way I would hear him crying without a monitor of some kind. I think my daughter would wake up and come in and tell me if her baby brother was crying and keeping her up...but she was super tired too, so would she? Or did she sleep thru it too?

He just woke up at 2 a.m. And I put him back down after nursing. It's 3:36 and I can't go back to sleep because the monitor is alive and charged and I hear him sniffling from a little cold he has. I am convinced the moment I try to go back to sleep he's going to wake up again. Even though his track record proves he sleeps after his middle of the night feeding until morning.

My thing is this...I really wish there was a baby monitoring company. Just like you have ADT to monitor your home, I want someone to monitor my baby and wake me only if he's truly up and needs something, otherwise all the snorts, sighs and position changes can just be left alone and I don't need to keep rolling over and turning on the video portion of the monitor to see what he's up to. I would get a way better night sleep if I could leave the monitoring to someone else.

Associations

When you think of your grandparents what are the associations you make with them? I only knew one of my grandparents growing up, my father's mother. She lived in Daytona Beach, and we only saw her for a limited time during the summer. I have associations I make with her like tennis. I don't particularly care for tennis, but every summer when the U.S. Open was in NY that was always the time my grandmother was staying with us and she would watch religiously. I always think of her when I see or hear about tennis.

Another association I make with my grandmother is eyeglasses. The wasn't a day that she stayed with us that my grandmother didn't set her glasses down somewhere and forget where that spot was. Since I was the resident finder of all things she would instantly ask me to help her find them.

Solitaire...those lazy hot days of summer would leave me and my grandmother to entertain ourselves inside. I would ask her to play double solitaire every day. I think she got tired of it after a while.

I see associations building between my 4YO and her 3 grandparents, my mom and my husband's mom and dad. It's fun to watch them develop. My daughter has a special bond with all three of her grandparents and it warms my heart. I wish I had known more than just one of my grandparents. I wish I had at least the opportunity to know one of my mom's parents.

Grandpa - my husband's dad...

When there is any kind of special occasion or reason to have people over or go to someone's house, it is my girl's expectation that if grandpa is there, he will have been to the bakery that morning and bought a fresh batch of black & white cookies with him to the gathering. He also buys Lindzer Tarts as well, but my girl isn't interested in those just yet. If her grandpa shows up to a family function without black & white cookies, she gives him hell for it.

Grandma - my husband's mom...

In maybe the last couple months my girl has noticed her grandma take candy out of her pocket before she leaves our house. One day my girl became curious enough about them to ask grandma what the little candies were. They happened to be Mentos. Grandma gave my girl one of the Mentos and she was instantly hooked. Now every time she sees grandma, the first thing she asks her is "grandma can I have one of those circle things in your pocket?" She also has daddy wrapped around her finger apparently because he has surprised her and bought her a pack of Mentos as a special treat.

Grandma - my mom...

My mom only lives 20 minutes away so we see her more frequently. My mom has watched my girl from time to time. They have their own rituals while they are together. My girl loves dressing and redressing my mom's Build-a-Bear and for occasions my girl's gift to grandma is a new outfit for her bear that sits outside her front door. My mom also has a side table with about 18 little drawers in it. My girl is accustomed to going to grandma's and hitting up those drawers for little trinkets and treasures and maybe a little snack. They bake cookies together, they paint their nails with nail polish, they make my mom's cuckoo clock go "cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo" even if it's not time for the little birdie to come out yet.

I wish my dad was around to meet my girl. He would find such joy in her, I just know it. I can't imagine what the associations would be if they were to meet, but I think it's my job to make sure she knows about who he was and what little things remind me of him, like seeing a sailboat out on the Sound. Or seeing an old man who looks like the Gorton's fisherman with an old sailor cap and a white beard. And how it didn't matter if someone poured me the best glass of water, my dad's water always tasted better.

These are all just small things, things that may not mean anything to anyone else but my girl and her grandparents. But they are pieces of my little girl's life that will shape who she is. Little memories, snippets of her grandparents that will mean so much to her when she's old enough to appreciate them. I will just have to make sure she finds some connection, some association she can make sigh her grandpa, my dad.

Oops! Attack of mommy brain again!

My morning routine is a sh*t show. I have to get me, the 4 YO, the baby and now also for these few weeks my 13 YO niece out the door and get them all to their places on time so I can get to work on time. There are a lot of things I have to remember in the morning. I look like a bag lady running out the door in the morning between my purse, my cooler of bottles to pump, the baby's bag, the 4 YO's bag and if it's an extra special day, my laptop bag and my pump too. There's just no easy way to manage it all. Aside from getting us out the door I have to feed "Fish", pet the cat, let the dog out, etc.

One day this past week we were running a tad late. It was all I could do to get everyone out. We ran out the door. Everyone got buckled up in the car, I dropped my niece off at camp and proceeded to the kid's daycare. I got them all settled and left daycare. I was late but only a few minutes. Oh well.

I continued my trek to work. I was about a block away from my office having traveled just under an hour since dropping the kids off. My phone rang. I picked it up from the console and saw it was my next door neighbor. My first thought was, crap is the house on fire? They never call us unless it's an emergency. I answered hesitantly.

Me: hello?!?!
Neighbor: hi Midge it's Ellen
Me: hey, what's up?
Neighbor: ummm...did you know that Guinness (our dog) is still outside on his lead?
Me: CRAP! Oh Nooooo!!!

It is here I would like to make it a point to mention the mommy brain is a very real thing! These kids shoot out from our bodies and drag out our brains right behind them!

So yes, the weather this week has been horrendous and I completely forgot to bring our dog inside the house after his morning tinkle session. Good news is he was only out for about an hour and a half in the morning before it got beastly disgustingly hot. Our neighbor was going to bring him inside and give him some water.

Ok, yes I suck. I left him out, consider it small payback for middle of the night puke feats that I have to clean up after him.

Sigh...when do I get my brain back?

Letting go

I have been struggling with blog topics for quite a while. I really need to bite the bullet and blog my birth story of the baby but I haven't found my oomph to do it yet. I need inspiration. After long days I just can't think of new material to write about. Give me a topic to write about and I might have a better chance to take it somewhere. I thought hey, maybe someone has thought of an app for that, sure enough I did a search and found one called "365 Topics Calendar". $1.99? Perfect...exactly what I need to get motivated. Download! When I opened the app the screen came up to choose a month. I figured, well...I'll pick today. I tapped on July, then on the 14th. The topic for today is:

"How do you let go of the things you cannot control?"

I'm thinking about it.

And thinking.

What DO I do when I need to let go? I do know it isn't easy for me to let go. I am an analyzer, I might even be an over-analyzer. If a situation comes up, I think about that one thing long and hard. I approach it from every conceivable angle to try and gain a strong hold on it. Usually renders a useless effort. Sometimes though I catch myself obsessing over that one thing. If I'm lucky enough to get to that point, I can usually stop myself, step back and redirect. But, then what?

Well the few times I have been completely out of control that I can think of are very personal times in my life. First ones that come to mind are when we were trying to get pregnant. It just wasn't working for us. After months and even years of trying I threw up my hands, it was out of my control. I FINALLY admitted it. I finally stopped stressing about it. I just stopped, dropped and prayed. Literally.

I will never forget the moment I let it go when I decided to stop trying to get pregnant the first time around. We were in church the day of my husband's birthday. I went up for Communion and when I got back to our pew, I dropped to my knees and prayed...and cried. I, in my own way, let it all go. There comes a time when I try so desperately to remain in control that I become anything BUT in control. I can no longer think clearly. I let it all go that day in church. I didn't want the burden, the pressure anymore of trying to get pregnant. It would happen if and when it was supposed to happen. I kid you not, I was pregnant the next day!

You would think I would learn to just let. go. sooner. Learn that if I resign myself to the fact that I am not the one in control and it is not at all about MY plans and just stop torturing myself sooner, life would be much easier. Learn that if I can just throw my hands up sooner and just say a little prayer, maybe I could start feeling a little more at peace. It really is an amazing feeling to let things go, I just have a hard time remembering that in the heat of battle for control.

Is it the crying...that is my tangible sign of letting something go? My way of getting it out? My way of relinquishing control? Maybe. Or is it the praying? I am a spiritual person, I'm sure it has something to do with it. Maybe it's a combination of the two. Whatever it is, the relief is often not too far behind.

What do you think? How do YOU let go of things you cannot control?

The dog's claws/talons

Am I the only one who thinks $20 to trim a dog's claws is outrageous? That is what our vet charges us to clip our dog's talons. Let's just think (read: over-analyze) that for just a second. For $20, they have my dog in the back room with me helping them for all of 2 minutes. That's a charge of $10 p/minute. If that's a real cost of dealing with an animals claws? I went into the wrong profession for certain! I had my hopes set on becoming a massage therapist, figure a 60 minute massage costs $60-$70, that's a dollar p/minute. But hell, I don't even need a veterinarian license to clip animal claws, and I could get paid $10 p/minute AND have the owner help me contain the animal while I clipped the nails? Sign me right the hell up!

I just think $20 is a bit excessive to charge for a nail trimming. Unfortunately I do not have a good animal nail clipper or I would totally do it myself. My dog's nails are thick and it can be done, but I need the right nail clippers to do it myself. And when I do find the right nail clippers. my dog is going to pay me $20 each time.

Also? Did I really just blog about the cost of clipping a dog's nails?

Summer's here

Thus summer is chock full of things to do. Already we've done so much. What's on tap for us for the remainder of the summer?

Pool...any pool we can find our way into. My moms is the usual hang out, but we're not picky! We'll take what we can get. I love the pool, always have. My mom needed a crow bar to get me out when I was a kid. I'm finding out how my mom felt while I'm now in the same predicament. My daughter wants no part of getting out of the pool. And the baby...well he's a HUGE fan of water and if he had a voice he'd express his dismay at getting out of the pool too.

Tonight is the Firemen's parade and kick off to the carnival in the town I grew up in. We'll be there! My daughter is beyond excited. I'm guessing she's going to make me go on rides with her to make up for not being able to go on them last year because I was pregnant.

70th surprise birthday party this weekend for my aunt (my dad's sister) And...oh...there's a pool at the house where the party is being held...BONUS!

Birthday party for my best friend's dad next weekend which is an annual event at their house.

Camping at Jellystone park because if we don't my daughter will have a conniption! She is all excited to go camping. In fact when school ended and her daycare turned into camp last week she said "mommy I don't want to go to school". I replied with "well that's good because you're going to camp!" she misunderstood and said "but we need daddy and a tent...we can't go without them!!!" so needless to say she's counting the days to our camping trip.

August feels wide open though I know it will fill up fast. There are things I want to do with the kids before the end of summer like go to Splash Down. My daughter has been talking about going to a water park since we went to one last summer when we were on vacation in Delaware. I also want to hit up the Central Park Zoo and the NY Aquarium. If time and funds permit I'd also really like to make it to Mystic Aquarium and the Liberty Science Center.

August we also have my goddaughter's birthday and my friend's son's birthday party all in one weekend.

September seems far away but I know it will be here in a flash. And with the arrival of September brings our annual trip to Peaks Island, ME and I am super excited for that trip. I will probably see my best friend from college if only for a quick visit and this year our friends and their family I know from online are coming to Peaks. We met them after our trip last year and they will be staying with us on Peaks. I am so excited to share the Peaks experience with them. Once Peaks has come and gone autumn will be upon us, the leaves will begin to change, pumpkins and apples will need to be picked and I will welcome the cooler weather. Until then I'll soak up the warmth of the sun and every chance I can to hang out in a pool. Except maybe not the pool I was invited to tomorrow as we are having an offsite at our CMO's house. Getting in a bathing suit in front of coworkers? Not really on my list of things I will EVER CONSIDER doing...EVER!!!!

What's on your summer itinerary?

So proud of my 4YO girl

Every night when I arrive home, right after I hug and kiss my family my next task is to read the kid's grams from their "teacher" so I know what kind of day they had. Usually I read the baby's first because I am really curious about how his eating went. Yes, he's doing better with bottles at school, that's a post for another time though. This post is about my girl. As I started to read the baby's gram, my husband said, "you'll want to read this, front and back". He proceeded to shove my girl's gram in my face covering the baby's gram. My heart and soul sank. I immediately thought the worst. Oh God oh God oh God...she totally did something really bad. She must've been caught doing something really terrible. She has a new teacher and her teacher likes to write a novel at the bottom of each child's gram so the parent knows what the highlights of their own child's day were (I LOVE this feature, I LOVE this new teacher...if I were a teacher, I would do the same thing for the parents).

I began reading...

"The 4YO & "A" played very well together at the kitchen center this morning. The 4YO, "O" & "A" liked looking at pictures thru our view masters. The 4YO loved going under the hose instead of the sprinkler today."

Ok...all standard stuff. She's all about her time with her friends. Remind me to tell you about "E" some day and how he's her "boyfriend" and she's "going to marry him"! It was this next little part that made me a bit weepy and excited all at the same time.

The teacher continued, clearly already out of space in the "Special Notes" box on the gram, but made it a point to mention:

"While I was on my lunch break several of the children were very rude & disrespectful to Ms. K. I'm happy to say that 4YO was NOT one of those friends. Ms. K said 4YO was polite and helpful. I'm proud of the great choice she made." (Underneath her writing which had to be continued on the back of the paper she drew a really big smiley face.)

ME TOO Ms. L., ME TOO!!! After reading it and feeling the dread I felt before reading it, I felt guilty for thinking the worst. I put the papers down and wrapped my girl in the biggest hug and laid a giant kiss on her cheek and told her how very proud I was of her. I told her she was so good to be so nice to Ms. K. Admittedly, I tried to get her to tell me what the other kids were doing (just to get a perspective on the situation), but it didn't really come out very clear.

4YO is a good kid. She had a rough go for a while, but to the core she really is a good kid. I am not taking credit for what she did or how she acted, but I can't stop thinking, hmmmm....maybe I'm not doing too bad with this parenting thing after all. That she conducted herself nicely sends me over the moon, I'm so proud of her.

My husband said that when he got the to pick the kids up, 4YO was with the director at the front of the center. She was making a special point to have 4YO there when the owner got back so she could tell her what had happened and how good she was. Tonight I took every opportunity to reinforce how proud I was of her. I am all about positive reinforcement. If she knows she did something awesome and magnificent, she will choose to do more awesome and magnificent things. I'm ok with that. :) I know I'm her mother and I'm biased and all that but I really believe my little girl is one of the most caring little souls. She does things with her whole heart and being (when she wants to that is). I believe she is destined to do great things in her life. Such a special little girl.

To my 4YO,

Mommy loves you so so very much and I am so proud of you for taking the high road today. You are an amazing little girl and I am so happy to be your mommy.

Love you to the moon and back doodles!
Mommy

Freaking out

My husband has it easy. He gets up, gets dressed, "drops the "kids" off at the pool" before leaving the house and is ready to go by 3:30 in the morning.

I? Have a bigger task. Get me and 2 kids out of the house, walk the dog, feed the fish, and then get out.

This morning I let the dog out back on his lead. 20 minutes later I was doing something so I asked my 4YO to let him back in. She has done it before and likes helping. I know she let him in because 1. I heard his monster claws traipse thru the house. and 2. He stared at me as I turned and looked back at him before shutting the door behind me.

What I don't know is if she shut the sliding glass door behind her when she and the dog came back in the house. I'm 99% sure I didn't go back and shut and lock it. I know she doesn't know how to lock it.

My worry isn't that the door is unlocked, it's that it's open and the cat or the dog could get out and get lost. The cat is the first to get out that door when opportunity arises. She is strictly indoor and is always curious about what's beyond the boundaries of her confines. (And also that the A/C is on today for the animals since it's a gajillion degrees out today and that's just a waste if energy if the door is open.)

So my husband called a neighbor, it went straight to voicemail. I called another neighbor and she just checked for me. That was the longest 5 minutes of my life. The door was closed (mostly...the recycle bag hanging ear the door was in between the door and the door jam so it was open a sliver, but not enough for fat cat to get thru) when she went to check, and as I suspected, not locked, but now it is.

Phew! Talk about a freaking panic attack! I think I might still be a little on edge the rest of the day though.

It pains me...

I've been back to work now for just over 5 weeks now. It hurt to leave my baby at school. I cried my entire hour commute to work that day. I CAN say I don't cry the entire way in anymore. I do however well up every single time I have to leave him every morning. It physically pains me. I have found that I am angry when I drop him off. I find things at school to be angry about when I'm actually angry that in 5 seconds I have to walk out their front door and leave him there just to go sit in traffic so I can get to my desk in hell. And this place is hell. Trust me. But I do find things at school to be angry about, stupid things, you know like having to put on the stupid booties over my shoes/flip flops in the infant room. That angers me. Or the fact that I have to put those stupid booties on outside the door. Where the hell do they want me to put the baby while I'm putting on the booties? It's not like there's a bouncy seat in the hall way to place him in while I put the damn booties on. Anyway, I'm angry, I'm irrationally angry that I have to work where I work and do what I do every day. I don't mind working, but this place is hell and it's awful.

Differences

My 4YO girl was so different than my baby boy is. I know babies are different, kids are not the same no matter what, but I guess I didn't think they could really be so different. At the beginning of this year, I prepared my "bringing home a newborn" home life just as I had when I had my daughter 4 years ago. I brought the glider chair out of storage. I set up the crib. I put together the bassinet. I put the changing table top back on the kid's dresser. I took the swing out of storage and set it up smack dab in the middle of the living room.

I did all those things. I assumed I'd run the new baby ship the exact same way I did for my daughter. I was wrong. Let's see…I've sat in my glider ONCE...the first night I came home from the hospital. I've changed the baby's diaper on the changing table a handful of times. The baby has been in the swing less times than he's been on his changing table. All that preparation and work…for pretty much nothing.

I guess I learned different things toward the end of having my first infant around that I didn't know at the beginning. Tricks that make life easier. Tricks like…

Who the hell gets out of bed to nurse in the middle of the night when you can lay in bed and fall asleep while the baby sucks away and eventually drifts back to sleep?

And…why change the baby on the changing table when there's a huge bed in my bedroom that isn't as high as the changing table. A bed that is in the exact location we will be in when I finish putting on his jammies.

And…why put powder and lotion on a baby after EVERY bath when he's already so deliciously soft and squishy?

And…diaper ointment? Meh…not unless the kid's butt is actually red.

There are other differences too. Let's talk about eating, shall we? While I was on maternity leave my son ate and ate and ate and ate some more just when you thought he was DONE eating. My daughter did too. Boob rules according to my kids. At 3 months old, when it was time to go off to school when I went back to work, my daughter would POUND 5 oz bottles like she was going to the chair. For my son, this time around? I haven't put anything more than 3 ozs in any given bottle. My son is a boob man all the way. If he's hungry enough he'll take a bottle, but he'll suck down 1 oz and fall asleep on his care givers. He rarely finishes a whole bottle. I've tried every bottle. Believe me, I'm not exaggerating. I've tried, Evenflo, Tommee Tippee, First Years, Dr. Brown's, Mamm and Playtex drop ins. He wants no part of any of them except the Playtex drop ins but not with the normal nipple, they have to have the orthodontic nipple.

I've found that the nipples on pretty much every bottle are super long and he chokes on it when he tries to eat and that's when he gets pissed off and gives up or scream bloody murder. The orthodontic ones are slightly shorter and more natural to what a nipple is actually shaped like. Why do companies make these big round long nipple things on bottles? No wonder kids have nipple confusion, because some MAN (probably) designed a baby bottle nipple not taking into account what a baby would like. I've been around the block on baby bottles this time and it's frustrating. With my daughter 4 years ago, she took the Dr. Brown's and that was the end of it. Once we realized she was easy, we did away with those labor intensive Dr. Brown's bottle and switched to Playtex drop ins. I figured my son would like those right off the bat. Not so much. He takes them, but only because he won't take any other bottle type. And I'm hating those damn things. I don't know what the hell they did to these bottles or the drop in sleeves, but they LEAK…A LOT!!! The sleeve falls out the bottom of the bottle and dive bombs to the floor causing me to cry over spilled milk. It is didn't just happen once. It's been multiple times and they've leaked no matter how straight you keep them upright. I wish he'd take a different type of bottle. Anything but the Playtex Drop Ins.

Because he kept falling asleep and not finishing or not even starting a bottle his care giver recommended putting an extra hole or 2 in the end of the nipple. I tried that, but the holes don't really work, it would have to be drilled out. I am not about to buy the drop ins for the bigger Playtex drop in bottles because I absolutely despise the expandable sleeves they make for that bottle because you can't tell how much you've put in or how much the baby has eaten while you're giving him a bottle. And that seems to be the only sleeve they readily sell for the larger bottles. It's really hard to find the regular large sleeves. And why would I try those larger Playtex drop ins if he's not even eating an ounce or two at a time?

I hope in the next couple months his mouth gets bigger or something because he's gotta take something beside the Playtex drop ins. They are awful bottles. We never once had this problem when my daughter used the Playtex drop in bottle. I am so done with them. I am on the verge of writing Playtex a scathing letter. Putting that on my to do list. In the mean time I need to break this kid of taking the Playtex and move on to something else.

Loathing of a car seat and milestones

Time is flying by. I've already been back to work for 3 weeks. This week will be 4 weeks. I don't know where the time is going. I was just in the hospital like YESTERDAY giving birth wasn't I? I keep saying the baby is so big too fast. I blame my milk. What else is there to blame?

 

We've had a challenging time with him wanting to be in seats. His car seat? You would think there are pins in his seat and every time he sits in his car seat those pins are on fire, because he LOATHES his seat. He can be ok if he's sleeping in it, but to get to the point takes a ridiculous amount of screaming and crying and carrying on.

 

I wondered if it was only car seats or all seats? Is it the motion of the car seat? Is it seeing what's coming ahead of us in his mirror that he hates? Does he get dizzy watching his mirror? If he'll take the binky, he's ok, but it falls out and it's game over and I surely can't hold it in. Does he hate the pinned down-ness of being locked into place by the straps of his car seat? Does he hate the feeling of being alone? He can't really see his big sister across the car in her seat.

 

I decided I'd try him in the high chair to see if any of the above yielded the same result. Last night we sat down to dinner at the table and I put his chair together and he sat in it, quietly. We ate. He played with his jingly ball toy. He was content. He smiled. He cooed. He was fine. Strapped in, and even reclined as if it were a car seat too. Totally happy. Oh believe me, he had enough, just like any baby would for being in one setting with one view for too long, but it took a while. I'm not sure what this proves. Maybe that it's the backward motion in the car that freaks him out? Or the feeling of being alone? I don't know...there's something to be analyzed there to draw some conclusions, I'll have to think on that.

 

I took him out when I was done with my dinner and the table had been cleared. I decided to give him a little tummy time, and put him right in front of me on the dining room table, tummy down. He had his arms under him, his legs splayed out and he was scootching his bum up and out repetivitely. It didn't take very long, but he managed to gethis right leg underneath him, let his head weigh him to his left side and roll his shoulder underneath his body. Gravity worked and he rolled from his tummy to his back. His eyes got wide and he rotated his head back a little bit to focus on me. I gave him a look of "Don't you EVER do that again, do you hear me?" I shrieked and actually said something like "OMG" out loud and my husband came in to check what was wrong. I said it was probably just a fluke, he wouldn't do it again, but he just rolled over.

 

I flipped him back on his tummy to make sure I wasn't seeing things. It took a minute or so longer, but sure enough he rolled over again. And of course my husband got bored of watching a scootching baby on the table laying there like a Thanksgiving turkey and went back to doing the dishes (that's right ladies, be jealous...he cooked dinner then he did the dishes too) and missed the replay. I'm still denying it was real. The table must be slanted or something. There's no way at just over 3 months this kid is rolling over, right? How is this possible. His older sister didn't roll over until 4 months. There's gotta be a a loop hole here somewhere. He's getting so big, too fast. I can't believe my eyes when he does things like this. I'm going to hibernate so I don't have to admit my little guy is growing up and doing big boy things.

 

By the way? Have I mentioned how absolutely in love with having a little baby boy I am? God, he's the best boy ever. He's so snuggly, I just love him to pieces...but please STOP GROWING!!!

What my cat thinks of my HR department

While on maternity leave, about 3 business days from the end of my 12-week  leave actually, I was home with the baby enjoying the last days and the phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and saw it was someone from my company but not a number of someone I recognized. I answered it anyway.

Simultaneously, the cat was eating her breakfast. Because we have a dog who would eat anything and everything in sight we put the cat's dish up on a book shelf where I keep our cookbooks. She jumps up, it's safe from the dog, it's a win / lose situation. The cat has her sanctuary in which to eat, the dog gets nothing unless the cat drops a kibble to tease him. The bookshelf butts up against our living room pass thru from the kitchen, so she can choose to jump down onto the kitchen floor or she can drive my husband crazy and walk across the back of his chair into the living room. It's a special treat when my husband is sitting in his chair and the cat wafts her long furry tail against my husband's neck and ear. He LOVES that!

Anyway, I answered the phone, the cat was finishing her food. The person on the other end of the phone was HR telling me I wasn't approved for more than 6 weeks of leave and why was I still out? As I was listening to her tell me I was in violation of my leave, the cat had to come down from her food area to the living room side of the pass thru. Except apparently breakfast did not agree with her because she started doing that "thing" cats do when they're about to hurl their cookies. You know, when they stand wide, get low to the ground, whisk their tail back and forth and make that horrendous sound? Yeah, that one. And by that sound you know that regurgitated food mixed with fur ball is about to come back out onto your carpet. Only this time, the cat only made it as far as the back of my husband's chair before making that noise. And I was holding the phone in one hand with HR on the other end of the line and the baby in my other arm.

Unfortunately there is now an HR staff member who has way more of a glimpse into my personal life than I am completely comfortable with. My only chance to save my husband's chair from cat hork was to tell the HR person to hold, throw the phone down, grab the poor cat by the scruff of her neck and hurl her to the floor and hold onto the baby for dear life without squishing him. The cat was positioned to aim right into the crevices of the back cushion and the arm.  Luckily, hork catastrophe averted. I managed to remove the cat from the back of my husband's chair without so much as a speck of throw up getting on it. Go me! But now I was left to explain why I threw the HR person across the room and told her to hold on. And well, since she was about to ruin my day, I figured what did I have to lose by telling her I was juggling a baby, the phone and cat that was about to hork up a fur ball.

When I got back to work and was able to sit down with HR and get to the bottom of all their issues, they managed to lose an email I sent them with the forms I had to fill out before I left in FEBRUARY… AAAAAAAND they managed to screw up my vacation time they paid out to me. I had well over 100 hours saved up for maternity leave. I asked them to save me 5 days time so I wasn't left with nothing upon returning. They managed to completely deplete my time and then an additional 47 hours. The first email and phone call I came back to was another person from HR telling me they were going to short pay my next paycheck(s) until I had paid them back for the time they mistakenly deducted from me. Fortunately MOST…not all, but MOST of that 47 hours was a clerical error. They managed to take out an entire 80 hours of time from my paycheck on March 11^th, which would be the working time period from 2/19 thru 3/4. My last day of work was 2/28. That would make it only 4 days (32 hours worth) of vacation time I was taking in that pay period. Bottom line was they still screwed up by applying my vacation time to my leave like they did, but now I only owed them back less than 10 hours, instead of almost 50. Why can't competent people be hired into HR…just wondering?

I like to think the cat was just telling me what she thought of the HR folks. Throw up...yeah, that's about what i think of them too. I am VERY glad I managed to save my husband's chair form the cat's wrath though. It would not have been pretty. Our cat would've felt my husband's wrath for sure. I made sure HR felt my wrath and displeasure with their "mistakes". How can they do that to an employee and not understand the ramifications? It is truly maddening. Fortunately, it mostly worked out but not without giving me a heart attack.

The writing on the wall

Well, it was only a matter of time. My daughter is 4 years old. She loves coloring. Usually on paper. Sometimes on the iPad with a coloring app. We've been fortunate. Aside from a small marking she made with a crayon or pencil by accident on a wall here or there, it's been all coloring where coloring is supposed to go all the time. That is until this past weekend.

We visited my mom on Memorial Day for a little while. We were hoping the pool would be open but no such luck. We hung out anyway and I tried to make the best of the situation by bringing a small pool for my daughter to play in. She played in it and got bored. She desperately wants to show my mom how she jumps in the pool by herself and floats. While my mom and I visited while I nursed the baby, and my husband took on the leaky drain issue, my daughter watched tv in the den.

It wasn't until we were leaving that we realized why and how she was so quiet all that time. Should've suspected the quiet sooner. My husband went in to collect her and get her moving toward the door and noticed the smell of nail polish in the air. It only got stronger upon entering the den. It didn't take long before noticing a slightly different shade of light pink on the off white color on the wall next to my mom's new La-Z-Boy chair. A brush stroke this way and that way, up, down and diagonal. About 2 square feet worth of color strokes on the wall. Good thing for a much more forgiving grandma than parents. My mom took it in stride. My husband and I were less than amused. I? Was mortified and so upset for my mom. For the awful display of behavior my her granddaughter displayed.

While on the way home, I read her the riot act.

Me: Where do we use nail polish?
4YO: On our nails.
Me: And where did you put the nail polish?
4YO: (sheepishly) On the wall and the shelf.
Me: SHELF?!?!?! WHAT?
Me: (Dials my mom's number instantly)
Me: Mom, I was going over what happened with your granddaughter, she said something about the shelf next to your chair!
Mom: (Makes her way to the den) (Very calmly says) Yeah, it's on the cabinet, it's coming off mostly with my finger nail.
Me: (mortified) I'm so sorry mom.

It was not a good night. She's acting out and I don't know how to curb it. I can't make her stop doing bad things. My mom tells me to stop telling her she's bad or she'll grow up thinking she's bad and will only form a bad self image and think she IS bad. How do I raise her to do good things. To stop acting out. We are showing her love every day. We have since the day she was born. We snuggle with her every night before bed just as we have every night since birth. It's maddening, and now...NOW her actions have gone outside our family walls. Now she's doing things that affect others. I just don't know what to do with her anymore.

First of the plagues...

First? A joke to set the stage on this post...

What was the last thing to go through a bug's mind before he hit the windshield?

His butt!

If tomorrow's prediction were true, which I'm certain it's not, and the world is not actually coming to an end. But if it were, I'm fairly certain I experienced the plague of locusts this morning while I was driving in my car.

I was getting off one highway onto another on my way to my aunt's house. I was bombarded by a swarm of something, which were probably locusts. I saw them coming and drove right through them and heard a succession of thump-thump-thump-thump-thump on my windshield. When I emerged from the swarm I was left with about 30 dead bug butt splats across my windshield. I did what anyone would do to remove bug splats. I fired off some windshield washer fluid and turned on my wipers, except no windshield washer fluid sprayed out, yet the wipers turned on. Do you know what I was left with? Bug butts smeared all over my windshield. It was disgusting.

The baby was screaming in the back seat and I couldn't get to my destination soon enough. Of course I was in the middle of no where and there wasn't an exit between me and my aunt's house that would have a gas station and/or windshield washer fluid at a corner bodega (note: there are no bodegas where we live). I was left with what looked like a mid-winter frost covered windshield except the defroster wouldn't have worked in this case. I had to forge ahead and drive about 10 miles that way. Stopping to dump the water bottle I had packed to drink for myself would've just pissed the baby off even more. And really? He was pissed off enough, don't ya think...

So, who knows what tomorrow will bring...but I have on my to do list to refill my windshield washer fluid reservoir and prepare for the remaining 9 plagues. Let me know if you see a lot of frogs, ok?

Some extra TLC

"I have to go potty."

"The music isn't loud enough."

"I want different music."

"My butt is tickly."

"I want my lemon on." (her alarm clock night light)

"I want my fan on/off."

"I want to sleep at the other end of my bed."

"I need medicine."

"I want another hug/kiss."

"My closet door is open."

"I want a stuffed animal."

"I want my bottie on me."

You name the excuse, we've heard it from our 4 Year old daughter about why she can't yet go to sleep. We went thru this stage about a year ago when she would push the limits. Now? Well, now is a completely different ball game. She has been intent on making bedtime absolutely miserable for all parties involved. It's always something. I thought it was just her being 4. Her wanting to not sleep. We tried everything to make her go to sleep without making it a huge production. Tough love. Cry it out (yes, at 4 years old). Calm, cool and collected. Raving lunatic yelling. Use things as leverage. Promise rewards. Take away privileges. Nothing worked. It only kept getting worse and worse.

Sure, a 4 year old can feel jealousy toward the new baby that just came home to stay. But my 4 year old? No way! She can't stop talking about him. She can't hug him and kiss him enough. She wants to hold him all the time. She wants to take baths with him and help me wash his feet and hands. She boasts and is full of pride when she tells her friends and her teacher all about him. She wants her picture taken with him. She can't wait until he can talk and play with her. So why would it ever occur to us that she was dealing with jealousy issues? She's not a needy kid and she's 4, she's not that young to have jealousy issues. Or is she.

I don't know with 100% certainty, but I believe that's what we have here. Last night was the straw that broke the camel's back. I had enough. My husband had enough. We've been trying everything and nothing had been working. She had a busy day. She was definitely tired. I put her down at 8:30. For an hour and a half she tried every excuse in the book and then some. I even brought in the big guns and got her aunt on the phone. They have an especially close relationship and in my daughter's mind she doesn't want her aunt knowing she's done something bad so she usually shapes up. They talked for a minute, we hung up and moments later we had one more go around with her fighting bedtime and then she was finally asleep.

In that time last night, I had a moment of clarity. What if it IS about the baby? What if she is jealous? What if she's lonely in her room by herself? It was something her aunt said that got me thinking about it. She's having a tough time too with her older daughter and she can't put her baby in the girl's room because of the antics. So I played my last card. I went into my daughter's room and very calmly explained to her that if she could work through this then her brother could sleep in their room with her. Until then, he would sleep in our room. She would have to be able to conduct herself appropriately so that I knew she wouldn't wake him up with her antics. She wants more than anything to have him in her room with her. I imagine in her mind she feels like the outcast. The three of us in mommy and daddy's room and her, all by herself left alone in her room every single night. She seemed to soften and understand. A breakthrough perhaps? Well, only time would tell. We'll see.

Today I did a lot of soul searching to figure out what to do about this. for starters I need to help her. She can't do this by herself, nor should she. I'm her mother and I need to be compassionate in order towards her in order to help US get over this bump in the road. I decided I would pay a little extra attention to her tonight and see what would happen. I bathed them both. She helped me wash the baby's toes and hands. She got dressed when we asked her to. I was insisting on no iPad tonight because of an episode she had this morning. But it wasn't a total loss, I told her we could read books, she could pick 3. I handed off the baby to daddy and she and I snuggled in my bed like we have every night before bedtime since she was born. She wanted me to rock her and sing "rock a bye baby" and pretend when the cradle fell I was going to drop her off the side of the bed but not actually let her fall. She and I hugged. I told her over and over how proud I was of how well she did at her ballet dress rehearsal today. We talked about the performances this coming weekend. We bonded. More than we have in the last 11 weeks I would say. And then I took her fussy brother back from daddy and the three of us snuggled together. It was heaven. I could tell, even without her saying anything, she was happy and satisfied. She also knew that if she didn't behave we would not be stopping at Dunkin Donuts in the morning.

It was time for bed and she went willingly. I let her choose to put her head at the foot of her bed instead of the top (meh, pick my battles...sleeping is sleeping no matter where your head is). I tucked her in, we prayed together. She prayed for grandma and her pool among other people and things. I left her room and 2 minutes later I heard her calling. My heart sunk. It was all for nothing, was all I could think. She was playing us again. It was going to be one of those nights. BUT, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and went in calm and cool as a cucumber. She simply wanted bottie (her blanket) and couldn't find it. Totally my fault. Figuring out the whole foot of the bed sleeping arrangement, I completely forgot bottie. After I put bottie on her, I didn't hear another peep. She went to sleep without further incident. A huge sigh of relief came over me. SHE'S NOT BROKEN!!! She's HUMAN! She just needed a little extra TLC. And you know what? That's totally ok with me. I think all of us could use some extra TLC, myself included. At the end of the day, the snuggling bonding time is precious time to me. And I'm perfectly ok with going upstairs a few minutes earlier to start the routine so we have that time together. It's important. For both of us. I love my girl and I am hoping this is the turning point we BOTH needed. Sweet dreams my little girl.

Hmmmm...what should I get at Dunkin Donuts tomorrow morning?

The laundry pile

I hate laundry. I hate putting laundry in a pile. I hate moving an overfilled laundry bin downstairs. I hate putting laundry in the washer. I hate moving laundry from the washer to the dryer. I never separate out whites or lights from darks. It's a chore to make sure the baby's clothes are not washed with all the rest of our clothes. I hate laundry that has sat in the washer and been forgotten and then gets that rank smell and then trying to erase that rank smell. I have folding all of the clean clothes. I hate the pile of socks I sleep with at the end of my bed night after night because I hate matching socks. And good Lord above I hate putting it all away just to lather, rinse, repeat the whole process, week over week.

HATE! DESPISE! LOATHE!

The funny thing? I am anal when it comes to folding. Clothes fit best in their drawers when folded a certain way. I love my husband very much, but man alive, he does not fold how I'd like him to fold. When you fold a shirt, don't you fold it so that the front of the shirt is on the outside of the fold so you can see what shirt you're pulling out of the drawer? Or is it just me? You have 3 gray shirts in a drawer, if they're all relatively the same gray, same fabric more or less and they're folded with the front facing in, how can you tell which one you're pulling out of the drawer when it comes time to wear it?

One would think if I hate laundry as much as I voiced above, I would look past my folding quirk and just see that he's folding, that I'm not having to do it, but I can't. He starts folding and I call him off the pile. His job is to carry the laundry baskets back up the stairs because I'm usually carrying a child up the stairs.

Most recently I've been folding the laundry and I stumble upon an article of clothing of his that he had taken off inside out. If there is a pet peeve beyond folding a shirt with the front folded toward the inside of the fold, it's folding clothes that are inside out. The last couple of weeks I've been the nice wife and been turning them right side out before folding them. But there are more and more articles of clothing popping up inside out.

This past weekend I performed an experiment. Last week I folded a shirt inside out, just as it was put into the laundry. He went and put it on inside out and didn't notice until an hour or 2 later when he was sitting in our living room. Why would I bother turning it inside out if he didn't bother to take it off that way (which was how he pulled it out of his drawer in the first place) to save me the trouble when doing laundry.

And so, I've made a decision. I am no longer going to turn the clothing right side out. The 4 year old is very careful to take clothes off right side out for me, and so she gets them folded and back in her drawer that way. I always undress the baby with his clothes right side out so no problem there. My husband will just start finding more of his clothes not turned right side out when he pulls them out of the drawer. Hey, you know, if he doesn't mind taking his clothes off inside out, I don't mind folding them inside out. Finding time to do laundry these days is a challenge. My time is of the essence. Turning clothes right side out is not part of time efficiency.

What does that special someone in your life do that irks you? Come on, everyone has their pet peeves. Spill it!!! I am not the only anal one out there.

The introduction

My first post here. But not by any means my first post ever. I have been blogging for many years and have recently found I needed to start fresh for reasons I won't bore you with. I'm Midge (shakes hands with you...and you...and you). I have an amazing husband of almost 9 years, Cam. And two kids, Riley (girl), who's 4 and Declan (boy), who's weeks old. These names have been changed. I will say that my name is a nickname a coworker once gave me and it just kinda stuck.

I've been thinking about a new blog name/persona for MONTHS, no joke. But unfortunately it's not as easy as just picking a blog name, it's picking the twitter handle and email address to correspond with the blog name. And in my symmetrical world they all have to be matchy matchy. It's terrible, I'd think of something, get my hopes up that this...THIS was "the one" and then I'd do the cross check to figure out if the blog/twitter/email names were available. Or if they weren't was I willing to settle on adjusting the name slightly...the answer to that is "no." And then one would be available but the other two wouldn't be. And when I'd check why it wasn't available and find that the person who did occupy the blog or twitter name abandoned the page YEARS ago and it's just sitting there in interwebz neverland, collecting dust. Irritating, doesn't begin to describe the level of frustration.

Then we went on vacation for the past week and I basically slept, breastfed and breathed possibilities of blog/twitter/email names. Names swirled and flew around my head like some cartoon character trying to solve an algebra equation. It wasn't until we were on our ride home today that it clicked. "Taming Volcanoes"! YES! Eureka! Oh GOD...please let it be available on all 3 platforms!!! I quick whipped out my iPhone and pulled up the web browser and searched for the URL and twitter names in and out of service on my phone. The suspense killed me, but it appeared as though I was in the clear. I couldn't wait to get home and do the final sweep to make sure I was in the clear. Sure enough...SUCCESS!! Whew...what a relief. I can finally "BE" something again instead of hiding in a corner of the interwebz.

So why "Taming Volcanoes"?

Well, that's just what I do...or so it feels. Kid vomit? Diaper blow out? Life struggles? I field all sorts of eruptions. Life spews many different...eh hem...colorful...things our way, I accept it's challenges and tame it. It's a blog name that can grow with me and my journey through being a wife and mother, among other titles. I think I can stretch out here, be at home! So I hope you join me on this wild ride, maybe take a walk with me across the lava flow now and then. Relax and enjoy. And thanks for reading.